Running 1-on-1s That Engineers Actually Value

Why Most 1-on-1s Miss the Mark

Here’s where this gets real: When we let these meetings become routine status checks, we miss out on one of the most powerful tools for building connection and trust. Instead of energizing our teams, we risk leaving them uninspired, uncertain, and—at worst—disengaged. I’ve heard engineers say, “I don’t even know what we’re supposed to talk about.” If that sounds familiar, you’re not imagining it. The problem is bigger than just a few awkward silences.

A simple but powerful framework I lean on is the Three Cs: Connection, Clarity, and Coaching. If your meetings consistently check all three boxes, chances are you’re driving real engagement. But when they don’t—when things stay transactional or strictly status-driven—we all feel it.

But here’s the good news: This trend can be reversed. With a little intention—and a willingness to shift how we show up—1-on-1s can become the heartbeat of our teams again.

The Real Purpose of Effective 1-on-1s

So what’s the point of these meetings, really? It’s not about ticking off to-do lists or reciting sprint progress. In my experience, effective 1-on-1s are about three things: connection, context, and growth.

When we get it right, these conversations become a regular space to catch up as humans first and colleagues second. They’re a chance to communicate openly and follow up in ways that help everyone grow—personally and professionally. There’s research to back this up:

A good one-on-one meeting provides you and each of your employees with a regularly scheduled forum for the two of you to catch up, communicate, and follow up on ways to help each other grow personally and professionally.

People Managing People

• Building Trust: When leaders show genuine interest—and a bit of vulnerability—team members open up. They’ll share challenges, ambitions, even mistakes. That kind of trust is rocket fuel for high-performing teams. Want to take this further? Consider how building trust within teams is foundational for ownership and motivation.
• Creating Alignment: These conversations are a safe space to clarify priorities and check assumptions. It’s where we make sure everyone’s rowing in the same direction—not just on projects, but on values and long-term goals.
• Supporting Growth: The best 1-on-1s aren’t just about what’s on fire today. They focus on where someone wants to go next—coaching skills, unblocking career goals, or surfacing aspirations.

Here’s the thing: Regular, intentional conversations are still one of the most reliable ways to show you care about someone’s progress and well-being. Research confirms that regular 1:1 meetings significantly enhance employee engagement. When people feel heard and supported, their enthusiasm for the work—and their commitment to the team—goes way up. That’s a feedback loop worth protecting.

If you want these conversations to have impact, consider how engaged listening builds trust and leads to more meaningful conversations. Practicing presence in each meeting pays off in both morale and results.

Transforming Your Approach: Practical Strategies

So how do you actually change things up? What does it take to move from status updates to real conversations? In my own practice—and in coaching other leaders—it always starts with intentionality. You have to be willing to break old habits and try something new.

Let me share five strategies that consistently make a difference:

1. Start with Their Agenda

   Fight the urge to steer every discussion yourself. Instead, ask: “What’s on your mind this week?” Let your report set the direction—even if it means a few moments of quiet while they think. Over time, this gives space for topics that wouldn’t surface in group settings.

2. Focus on Growth, Not Just Execution

   There’s always work to talk about—but don’t let it crowd out bigger goals. Use this time to coach your team member, help unblock long-term ambitions, and discuss aspirations. Try asking: “Where do you feel most confident right now?” or “What skills do you want to develop this quarter?” I’ve seen these questions open doors that status updates never will.

   Curious about how other engineers grow beyond just delivery? Check out Beyond Senior: 4 Ways Engineers Can Grow Without Managing for insights on career expansion that doesn’t mean stepping away from code.

3. Ask Better Questions

   The best 1-on-1s are built on curiosity and empathy. Go beyond the basics with questions like: “What’s one thing you wish you could say in stand-up?” or “What feedback would help you most right now?” Don’t skip this part—it’s where the shift happens.

   You’ll find practical inspiration in Ask Better Questions, Get Better Feedback, which explores how specificity leads to better insights during any conversation.

4. Model Vulnerability

   If you want openness from your team, show them how it’s done. Share moments when you made a mistake or felt stuck yourself. In my experience, a little honesty from the leader goes a long way in creating psychological safety.

5. Write Things Down and Follow Up

   It might sound simple, but keeping lightweight notes from each meeting (and actually following up) is a game-changer. When you reference something discussed last time, it shows you were truly listening—and that what your team says matters beyond the meeting itself.

   Industry leaders walk this talk. Google has mastered the art of 1:1s by implementing structured agendas, fostering openness, and leveraging data-driven insights. These aren’t just checkboxes—they’re habits that drive engagement and build high-trust teams.

From Meeting to Meaning: The Ripple Effects

Here’s what I wish every engineering leader knew: When you invest in transforming your 1-on-1s from routine check-ins into real conversations, you set off ripples that reach far beyond any single meeting.

Take transparency as an example. GitLab has become famous for its radically open approach—sharing even their 1-on-1 agendas and notes company-wide. With over 2,000 remote employees across 65 countries, they’ve shown how openness builds trust and empowers honest conversations—no matter where people are working from.

Research on psychological safety tells us: Teams perform better when people feel safe expressing ideas or concerns without fear of backlash.

If psychological safety is new territory for your leadership journey, see The 8-Part Playbook for Building Trust Within Teams for actionable steps leaders can take right now.

That sense of belonging? It pays off in loyalty, retention, and performance metrics that matter. I’ve watched regular check-ins become more than just meetings; they’re proof that each person truly matters here.

For more on turning routine ceremonies into impactful sessions, explore Sync or Async: Are Your Meetings Driving Impact?—it’s packed with tips for rethinking meetings beyond rote status updates.

Getting Started: Your Next Effective 1-on-1

If you’re ready to try this for yourself (and I hope you are), here’s a practical checklist I use myself—and share with every leader I coach:

Effective 1-on-1s Checklist

• Review notes from previous sessions (don’t wing it—show you remember)
• Invite your team member to suggest agenda items (they may surprise you)
• Reflect on recent wins, challenges, or development goals for this person

• Begin with an open-ended question (“What’s on your mind?”)
• Touch on growth topics as well as current projects (not just what’s urgent)
• Ask thoughtful follow-ups (“What’s something I can do better as your manager?”)
• Share one area where you’ve struggled or learned recently (model honesty)
• Take brief notes on key points discussed (show them their voice matters)

• Summarize action items for both sides (in writing if possible)
• Follow up mid-cycle if support is needed before next time (don’t wait until the next meeting)
• Track progress over time—not just tasks done but milestones achieved (growth counts too)

If you want more practical tools for structuring these touchpoints so they deliver lasting value, check out Transforming 1:1 Meetings from Dread to Growth—it’s packed with frameworks for moving beyond awkward chats into genuine development opportunities.

The magic happens when these meetings become more than another checkbox—when they become powerful signals: “You matter here. I’m invested in your success.”

If there’s one thing I want you to take away: Listening more deeply, asking better questions, and showing real follow-through can turn even routine check-ins into moments that unlock new energy in your team. That’s how we move from meetings…to meaning.